i am a child with a withering heart not to be loved, but to be abandoned. and everything that went wrong on this side of earth is my fault. and the nightmares of a little child while playing in the playground.

face me like an object / slit my throat or break my neck / take my life / even if it worth a check / for who i am for all that wrecked

i sell this grief at the highest price a person can bid in an auciton. it's in the form of gentle touch and hazzy memories and one shoe, untied. never once i shed a tear never twice i let it sink. people come, the say, and people go, they think. so, do i have the consent to own this longing feeling?

i put this grief behind the door i used to hide from my dad. i smell the different perfumes from the clothes hanging above my head. the reflection from the floor is my cue to run or to stay. can i know where the living body of an empty soul can stray?

i keep this grief over my head and swore it like an oath. curse me with all the living human's heart and destroy it like a throne. i am the grief, and the grief is me. burnt like an ashes and shove it to the sea.

and i wonder why.

(it's the cold snow that is buried deep within. behind the iron walls, and the isolated heart that believes love is for anyone, but him.)

(i stare at you like you're never going to leave me.)

one day you're seven and playing with your siblings in your backyard. one day they tell you not to run so fast in the snow, afraid that something might make you trip over under the white layer. but you're just a seven year old kid, so you run.

one day you're eleven and your father taught you how to fish. one day it's your first time having your own fishing rod and sitting side to side above the frozen lake with the man that always told you to be strong. you're just an eleven year old kid, you nodded.

one day you're fourteen and it's all gone.

one day you're twenty two and never be the same. one day you walk to the very same backyard with a cold gaze and vivid memories. one day you went to the very same lake you used to go to fish, only this time the white frozen ground turns into red. the smell of blood is no longer unfamiliar.

maybe one day you'll realize what was taken from you, what was left behind the dark, scary place.

a little bird once told me that he deserves his fate that he should be chained to the violence of greed

a little bird once told me pain is what he suits for and a neverending suffer and a lifetime misery

a little bird once told me a god from heaven broke the only thing he best in then bestowed him a name to recall who he is

a little bird now is free sitting on top of an inn still longs for a sweet dream

to the boy from shiganshina, eren yeager.

if the world could be a little bit kind to you, would you stay?

if the world is safe enough for you, and your family, and your friends, if the world didn't curse you in a way that you are actually not, if the world would make you the happiest you've ever been,

if you could blow more candles for your birthday, more presents from the father you always admire, more cakes from the mother you always love, more surprises from the friends you always had,

would you.. stay?

i think the ocean will calm down after the never-ending raging tides when i told them of how your smile could make every single one of my cells leaving my body. when i told them how your laugh is the only sound i wanna hear in this world. when i told them how your voice is as tender as mother's.

and i think the ocean will make their time to know you. to kiss your sole like no one did, to bring the sense of coldness from a tiring day.

but i will love you more. more than the ocean would, more than anything else, more than anyone else.

and i will make my time to know you more. more than the ocean that kisses you, and more than anyone to ever know yourself.

but you can't find me in those

because you are the infinite possibilities i cant reach out and i am the one possibility you would never have thought